Ok. So lets talk about how my decluttering is going.
Not good. Just, not good.
Why?
One word. Depression.
My mental health is not something that I’ve talked about on my blog or on my YouTube channel but I think the time has come to just be as transparent as possible, with myself, and my readers/subscribers.
I’ve always considered myself an upbeat and optimistic person. I try hard to see the bright side of things and to outwardly show that the world is not so bad.
Inside my head, that’s another story.
I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for probably my entire life, though high school could probably just have been labeled my emo/angsty period. For me depression can come on suddenly or creep into my life like those extra pounds you thought you avoided at Christmas, only to realize later that you actually gained twice as many.
I know my depression is getting bad again when my apartment, car, and work space become something like the show hoarders. Minus the dead cats in the freezer. That’s just not right.
My symptoms of depression/anxiety go something like this:
not wanting to get out of bed
not taking care of my personal hygiene
not wanting to go to rehearsal or do things that normally make me happy like teaching lessons
not wanting to write on my blog or film videos
wanting to be home alone more
YouTube/Facebook/Instagram/Reddit surfing for no reason
not keeping my apartment picked up
not being unable to do laundry/dishes/take out trash on a regular basis
not paying my bills on time, regardless if I have the money or not
neglecting my responsibilities to my work/family/friends
reoccurring negative thoughts
body aches and pains
not wanting to exercise
not wanting to meal plan or cook at home
not sticking to my budget
Basically my depression, once it fully rears it’s fully fledged eldritch-being head, takes over my life by basically making me want to do none of it. Apathetic, that’s the word.
So how has this affected my decluttering and year of the nerd goals? Well, I haven’t done anything on it for at least a month. I haven’t filmed a plan with me since February and I’ve just been blah about doing anything in general.
I wish I could tell you that “I know how to combat this and I have a plan!” The truth is, I don’t. I have medication I am taking and I’m trying to do more self care but other than that I have no idea how long this will go on. The last time I was in a major depression it lasted a couple years and went away with some big life changes. This time…I just don’t know.
What do I know?
What I do know is this. I need to take control of my clutter. When I’m in this place of not wanting to do anything, were everything makes my body ache, and my general affect is blah, clutter is my enemy.
Clutter makes everything overwhelming. Clutter makes cleaning more of a chore than it needs to be because I have to move everything, clean up the clutter, and then get to the otherwise easy task of doing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning the litter box, etc.
I know that clutter is my enemy when the depression beast is upon me. Yet when I get like this, I just -can’t- seem to make it better. At least not on my own. Sometimes I’ll ask friends to come over and help me and pay them in food or booze. I used to be able to do this more because I had more friends in town. Now I have one friend who I know I can call on but I don’t always want to do that. It’s not fair that she has to help me with chores when we could be hanging out doing fun stuff.
I know that if I let the clutter, the chores, and the disorganization pile up it just feeds my depression.
Think about it. You are not feeling your best. You’re apathetic and lethargic. You don’t want to get out of bed, go to work, or go out. The last thing that you want or are able to do is clean, declutter, organize, or otherwise touch all of the items in your home that are “wrong” or shouldn’t be there. Now that you’ve let it pile up more and more, you have more anxiety about getting it done. What are you going to do when people come over? They can’t see your place like this!?
That’s what clutter does. For people who are not in their best head space it causes stress, anxiety, and a sense of overwhelming chaos.
So what should you do about it?
I can’t claim to have all the answers since I’m still trying to work it all out myself. What I can tell you is how I have worked through it in the past.
Start small – work in 10 – 15 minute increments. Schedule in 10 – 15 minutes of cleaning or pick up time at the beginning or end of your day. Set an alarm. It’s surprising how many times I’ve heard my alarm go off and thought to myself, “oh dang I forgot that I was doing that” and just continued cleaning. It’s always starting that’s the hardest when you’re feeling down.
Give yourself some slack – It’s ok not to be able to get everything done in an hour, or even a day. When you’re depressed you move slower and things take longer. That’s ok. As long as you’re doing something you are making progress.
Progress not perfection – I am a self proclaimed recovering perfectionist so this is hard for me. I want whatever i’m working on to be done and perfect every time, but sometimes you just have to say “ok, i’m not feeling good, my body hurts, I have more dishes to do but I’ve done 3/4 of them. That’s progress, and good enough for today.”
Give yourself time to relax – don’t feel bad that you are sitting on the couch watching Charmed reruns if you have already done some work. If you need some motivation to clean or pick up then set an alarm. Allow yourself 30 minutes of rest and then get up to do 10-15 minutes of work. I find that when I stick to this I’m super productive. The rest helps me recoup and the work makes me feel like I accomplished something.
Prioritize your work – I’m still working on this but I find that if I set a priority, say get the living room guest presentable, I’ll work harder to achieve that and be more focused on the task. You’ll also feel more accomplished when the task is done because you’ll be able to see all the work you did, not just small little tasks spread out over a larger area.
Ask for help – if it’s all just too much, too overwhelming to do on your own, ask for help. It means being open with your family and friends about what is going on in your life, but I bet more often than not they want to help you. If you need someone to come and help you sort through your clothes or your tupperware, or whatever you need, ask them. You’ll be surprised how much support people want to give you when they know what’s going on.
Depression is hard and clutter makes it worse. By no means are the tips I gave going to fix your problems overnight. Depression doesn’t work that way. Everything is slower, feelings harder, and takes more energy than when you’re feeling good.
Be kind to yourself. I know it’s hard, it’s hard for me too.
I’ll be posting updates as they come with my decluttering progress, however slow. My friend and I have a trip to IKEA planned in a couple weeks so I’ll bring you the progress with that trip as well.
Live long and nerd my friends.
Sara
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